How is it 2008?
More importantly, how is is JUNE 2008?
I don't know where the last year has gone. One minute ago I was just setting up this blog, the next I'm over 365 days on, and what have I achieved?
In a bit of a 'down on myself' mood just currently. For some reason, the last few weeks at work have been exceedingly rocky, and it's left me soul searching in the worst way. Because I still don't know what I want to do with myself, other than just not this.
Yesterday was a particularly bad day. Ridiculous stress for no particular reason. I let it get to me, and I let myself panic. Or I let myself panic in between black bouts of wondering what I'm doing here, and how on earth I can extricate myself. Because even if I got a new job tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to leave for 3 months, until October, when another new year would nearly have rolled around again. That is even if I got a new job tomorrow, which won't be happening, as I have no applications in the pipeline at all.
I do have lots of things to look forward to outside work, but it's getting harder and harder to rationalise the 8 hours I spend here, 5 days a week, as just 'part of my life'. It feels like my whole life, and it sucks. Right now, I'm thinking about going back to Oxfordshire for the APC. I'm team captain again, going for the elusive 'victory for 2 years in a row' crown. Not too bothered about that, but will be so nice to see people. I hope it's as much fun as last year. Going back the weekend after too (Mike is going to a beer festival in Stoke), but probably not for a while after that. Probably means that it will feel like poo coming back after that weekend, it's been feeling a bit like I'm living for the weekends when I get to go back there and see green and feel less hemmed in. I felt so nostalgic for Oxford when I was back there last week, on a Friday I'd taken off to go home and see my sister. How things change! It wasn't so long ago that I felt the same about Oxford. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, eh?
I think that I need to try and live in the moment more, not wish my life away. Apart from when I'm at work of course...
